Monday, March 1, 2010

Recruits for my Army of the Dark

A Loyal Subject (online friend) reported to me that likely candidates for my army could be lured to the darkside by supplying them with some of the sacred cookies along with some homemade Vegitable beef barley soup and hot french bread apple cobbler and pineapple upside down cake.


So after cooking all night off I went in my never ending search for new recruits to the darkside.


(Translation - I had the chance to meet an online friend at Ft Irwin California he and his troop were there for training, I told them I would bring dinner for them and my famous cookies - the following is my misadventures at Ft Irwin California) .


So I get to the Gate at Ft Irwin I have to park get out go inside a building talk to two older women give them my drivers license proof of insurance, vehicle registration reason for going on base where that person is located what their rank is, what is their contact number, are you related and your first born child. Now I was holding my own until we got to the last (WELL HELL I DON"T HAVE ONE) Think of something anything to quickly distract them all with humor I say "I just know I am going to get lost out there and end up arrested or shot" OH NO they assured me you won't get lost (HA) you don't know me very well do you? believe me I am the quincentennial problem child if it can possibly happen it will happen to me in spades. So I get my little pass for my windshield and off I go to the gate. Smiling with satisfaction that I was successful in not having to produce a non existant first born when I realize "They never said anything about not getting arrest or (gulp) shot!!!. Suddenly I don't feel so good.

While waiting in line I see the Military Policeman who will (dare I say it?) service ... ah I mean search my car is frowning terribly. Oh joy I have a challenge how to get a smile from a grumpy MP. No sweat for me (even if I am sweating at the knowledge that I am going to get lost) (make that breaking out in a cold sweat) I pop off with "AH you look like you are having a bad day, WHO DID IT WHERE ARE THEY ? as I scan the surrounding area WANT ME TO KICK THEIR ASS?"
After a startle second of shocked disbelief that cross his face he started to laugh (I think he still might be laughing as I speak) Grinning with satisfaction as I start to pull away I realize something... WELL HELL he didn't search me. As I continue up to the main guard shack I see another MP inside my spirits sore "AH another chance fresh meat with a billy club OOOOH the posiblities abound" I pull up and to my shock and dismay he waves me on "but but but (I stammer) aren't you going to search me???" "No was his bored reply. I'll give you a cookie I said with hope shinning in my eyes. Well I got the smile and then the laugh but no body cavity search. A dark cloud of foreboding passed over my head. Was this a foretelling of things to come???? Suddenly the grey clouds in the sky that I had barely noticed before and the bleakness of the landscape settled over my heart as a chill raced down my spin. WELL HELL I muttered to myself.

Following the directions given to me by the lady at the information center. I slowly crept along the road wondering when I would catch my first glimps of Ruba or Tent City as it is loving refered to by our brave fighting men and women. As I kept close watch on my speedometer I realize that traffic is piling up behind me. "WELL HELL" I mutter "I can't go any faster I am sure to get lost then" as I suddenly slam on my breaks to avoid the stop sign I almost ran through I was too busy looking for signs for Ruba, my speed, the cars behind me and a place to pull over and just start crying. I almost miss a stop sign. But wait "AHA" 5th street that nice lady that gave me directions said something about 5th street now if I could only remember what it was. Do I turn??? where is that map she gave me
I start throwing things off the front seat in a desperate attempt to find the map "AHA" there it is on the passenger side floor. As I once again slam on the breaks to avoid yet another stop sign. (SIGH) maybe I should just turn around and go home now that cold sweat has become a hot flush as the horns blare behind me never have I ever had a horn blare at me. I am really on the verge of tears now. But wait a minute does that sign say????

YES!!!!!! RUBA!!!!!
AT LAST!!!!!

All the cars behind me turn left as I creep forward ever forward looking now for tents lots and lots of tents well there are some but they have a big fence around them and is that barbedwire at the top AH I don't think I should go in there. "no no no Vicki on the right side the right side" I remember that nice lady from the information center said the right side. Distant memories drift through my overburdened mind remembering their warm smiles and their happy wishes of a good day was it only a few minutes ago? it seems like years. On the right side more of the same some tents but a very intemidating barbed wire fence around them. "Wait what did that sign say? Surely it did not say what I thought it did?
Surely it could not have said":

TANK XING!!!!!
HOLY S--T!!!!
WHERE THE
F--K DID THOSE COME FROM???? NOT ONE NOT TWO BUT THREE!!!! GO SCREAMING ACROSS THE ROAD RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!!!!!!

As I once more slam on my breaks. "Breathe Vicki Just breathe everything is ok no one was hurt just beathe hon just keep breathing you are ok. Please please please let me find them soon. I wanna go home" I being to wail. as the road beings to curve to the left I realize the area that nice lady circled for me was before the curve in the road "I have to turn around I have to turn around but where???? AH there I can pull in there that nice big parkinglot infront of a bulding that looks sort of like a fire department would. Just as I being my turn from inside that building that looks suspiciously like a fire station lights and sirens blaring comes the biggest fire truck I have ever seen!!!!!.


to be continued...

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