Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Ft Irwin Part 4

Once again we enter a tent this on blessedly lighted and OMG there before me is a sea of cots and bedrolls most vacant but some with the firm young flesh I need for my army. "Um Vicki" Over here is our corner. They lead me to the left of the enterance I follow in a daze. Would it be possible to wipe my chin without drawing attention to myself???? AH there success. First thing I notice about the corner? no chairs no cots just lots of hard concrete with astro turf (EEW) really dirty astro turf (what have those boys been doing in here???). First thing Mikey does is plop down the cot he was caring. Oh how nice of him something for me to sit on. Next thing I notice all the others are piling all that wonderful food on the cot (guess they would not risk the floor for the food the Evil Mistress is something else entirely, food shown more respect than the Evil Mistress???? note to self send #1 Evil Minion with crop to whip this boys into shape).

Nothing for it so much for the white sweats I have on. Gingerly I lower myself to the floor, facing the confines of the tent and promptly forgot all about the floor. Visions flashed before my eyes "The Evil Mistress on her throne surveying her loyal subjects as the kneel before her. (snap snap Oh Michael fetch me one of those, oh and 2 of those and OH I absolutely most have some of those." "Um Vicki the oven and the stove can't be run at the same time it seems they blow the circuit if run together". "POP" my fantasy vanishes in a flash. UOH there may be trouble a brewing here.

What on earth is that growling noise I wonder as I cast a jaundiced eye about me and realize that I am cut off from all possible escape backed into a corner and surrounded by no less than a dozen hungry Marines and Rangers. (gulp) nothing for it but to persevere. I placed the largest pot of soup onto the stove and start gathering the vegitables to chop. Glance at the stove and the light is out. OMG this soup is going to take forever to heat, I murmmer to myself as I glance worriedly at my hungry subjects. Another vision flashes before my eyes this one with me trying to explain that the soup will not heat and Michael replies "Oh that's alright Vicki we weren't very hungry anyway, hey want to go watch us target practice?" "OH UM sure that sounds great" I reluctantly agree. "Great then guys I will meet you out at the range don't worry about the target I'll take care of that" Michael tells the troops as he grabs my arm to escort me on our way. "OH LORD" I can see Michael's post now to the ladies of our group, "I'm sorry ladies she didn't make it such a shame too she was doing so well, until she tripped. Looks like you will have to elect a new Evil Mistress of the Dark."

As the late afternoon began to creep toward early evening. All of a sudden all my Rangers left me to the mercy of all those Marines. My Rangers said they had formation (personally I think they got tired of waiting on the soup and went to the mess hall. The vegitables may have been a little on the crunchy side but that didn't stop two particularly attractive Marines from making a bee line over to my corner as soon as the Rangers were out the ten flap. Ladies I am sure that you will know what I mean when I say romance novel hero perfect that is what these two were. They devoured 6 bowels of my soup and 1 full loaf of french bread along with some of the scared cookies. Then they even offered to pay me for my trouble WOOHOO!!!! As the Evil Mistress smiling ever so sweetly reached for her camera.

Finally (my mind was really on more important matters) I got the idea to put the smaller pot of soup into the oven and turn it on high. Wasn't too long before all the soup was cooked but I fear by then most of the Marines had trudged off to the mess hall. What seemed like hours later my Rangers finally returned devoured more soup and some of the desert. With the time inching toward 7 in the evening and me running out of witticisms to keep all my rangers and marines entertained. I figured out to leave the left overs in foil pouches and plastic bags loaded up my car and perpared for my departure.

My dear Mikey offered to ride with me back out to the road where I started and I fear while we were in the car was when poor Mikey became the most embarassed. "It was so good to finally meet you Vicki" "Oh and you too Mikey you are just too cute"
"I AM NOT CUTE" was the indignant reply "PUPPIES ARE CUTE, GERBELS ARE CUTE CHIPMUNKS WITH THEIR PUDGY LITTLE CHEECKS ARE CUTE"... " But Mikey you have cute pudgey little cheeckys I just want to give them such a pinch" As I grabbed my own for a pinch (LOL) "Aren't you glad we are alone right now Mikey???" "OH Lord" groaned Mikey as he laid his head in his hands "YOU HAVE NO IDEA".

So ends my journey to Ft Irwin to seek out likely recruits for my Army of the Dark. To date I have no idea if I was successful or not. Only time will tell.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Ft Irwin Continued again!!!!

So Mikey Noah and I are standing there discussing where we have to go way down there to the 2nd gate. I don't have that much room in my car but we can all squeeze in.

I move my seat up so someone can sit in back the person who sits in front will have to hold the apple cobbler type thingy the person who sat in back would have to hold one of the pots of soup. Mikey dear sweetie that he is practically leaps into the back seat (could he be as nervious as I am?) I hand him the soup pot turn to get in the drivers side and see little Noah trying to climb into Mikeys lap.

LOL (didn't know I saw did you Mikey???? ) now I know I have been sweating up a storm but I did shower throughly that morning could I possibly offend????. As Noah tromps to the front passenger side(I swear I saw him kick the dirt) It dawned on me that I still have the power I thought I had lost years ago "OHO" Evil Mistress of the Dark returns. Did someone harbor romantic fantasies about me only to have them dashed by my age and figure??? (snickers I told them I was old and overweight what more could I do??) those pics on line were when I was young, resisting the urge to give the poor dejected sweetie a hug and tell him it would be ok I wipe the smurk off my face hopped into the driverseat tell them to hold on and no comments on my driving and off we go like the tortoise I resemble (snickers).

Creeping on down to the 2nd gate I notice that the ground has been turned up by giant tire treds worried that I would get stuck in all that soft dirt I inch along casting furtive glances left and right (were the tanks coming back? I began to sweat at the mere thought).

THERE IS A GOD!!!!! I didn't get stuck they have me pull up to a tent (by tent I have to say this is a barracks size steel frame covered in a white canvas standing on a block of concrete. Barely do I have the car stopped and my two reluctant passengers are out the doors and starting to unload (must be nervious energy) I slowly creep towards the entrance to the "tent" visions of a huge maw of some giant beast opened wide to gobble me down flash through my mind. "Lord protect this sinner in the hour of her need" I inch inside into the gloom "AH lights? Lights would be good here" Lets see if the electricity is still on. Off they both dash leaving me alone in the dark "Ah Guys?" I see their silhouettes briefly about 200 ft away at the other end of the tent as they dart outside the other exit. (sigh) Sometimes being the Evil Mistress leaves much to be desired both afraid to stay in a darkened tent alone with me??? And these are the BRAVE ARMY RANGERS!!!! PPPPPUUUULLLLEEEAASSE! My cats are braver than those two (giggles) OH well I learned long ago that I possessed this strange otherworldly power over men seems it has only gotten stronger with age. Nothing to do but start getting organized. Now what to do first as I gaze around me at my food stuffs and bags lying on the (I kid you not) astro turf covered concrete floor. A very worn dirty astro turf covered floor guess I am cooking on the floor (sigh) realizing that I had a major blonde moment this morning when I put on my white sweat pants. Well nothing to do for it now.

Picking up the first bag and peering into its gloomy depths to try to determain what it holds when all of a sudden from behind me I hear "UM Vicki?"


Whirling around I realize that Mikey and Noah had returned and that they had brought reinforcements appox 8 fine specimens of the male sex stood before me (they might not be as brave as my cats but my cats have nothing on them when it comes to sneaking).

WHOA!!! YUM AH okay Mikey thanks you and Noah can go now I'll call if I need you (WOOHOO) Now if I could only find the bag that held the handcuffs. Where is it DAMN I'd give anything for a light.

Forgive me ladies I say appox 8 fine specimens because I actually forgot to count I was so busy wiping the drool from my chin before they noticed. "I wanted to introduce you to some friends of mine" continues Mikey seeming oblivious to my speachlessness. As Mikey goes around introducing each and everyone all I could hear was a buzz in my ears and the wild thought racing through my brain of what excuse to use to "cop a feel of all that hard male flesh" As the first hard body stepped up to me hand extended I dropped the sack I was holding pushed his hand aside muttered something about I don't do hand shakes threw my arms around those broad shoulders and squealed with delight "OOOOOHHH more grandsons for grammie Vicki to love" I do apologize ladies I could not contain myself and yes I am depraved. But I got to "cop a feel" of each and every one of those hard bodies."

Introductions over it is decided that there is no electricity in this tent and we will have to go over to the other tent where they are living with a bunch of Marines. And Mikey actually apologized to me for this fact? (Yea right Mike how old did you say you were again? Funny you don't look like you were born yesterday). As I reach down and pick up the forgotten bag at my feet I glance inside and "AHA" I exclaim finally at last the hand cuffs (and you thought I was kidding) "UM Mike? I bought these for Mishell to use on you when you get home. As I proceed to hand them to him amid the "OOOOOO's" and various and asundred cat calls and with no light I couldn't tell if dear Mikey was blushing or not.

Thinking I would go for broke I decided that it was time to present Mike with his present. For the day before instead of "cooking my ass off" I was racing down to the mall to the "Build a Bear" store and picked up a adorable stuffed rabbit and dressed him up in...

You guessed it ladies Cowboy attire our own little buckle bunny now has a "Buckle Bunny" the bunnies name was of course "Buckle Bunny" and he was presented to Mikey by"Evil Mistress of the Dark" I am soooo sorry ladies but I forgot to take a pic of the bunny but perhaps we can plead with Mikey to do so.

I just could not resist. Wait is that a blush on dear Mikeys face damn the lack of lights and my poor eyesight I can't tell. So it was decided everyone grabbed something and off we went toward the other tent. And all those yummy Marines.

To be continued...

Ft Irwin (Continued)

honest injun if I am lyin I am dyin They had tank xing signs all over the place. and 3 did cross the road right infront of me and I did hit the breaks and honest the fire truck did come out of that building and blew his big loud air horn and about scared the pee right out of me. So I was able to gun the car and zip to clear the road so the fire truck could go merrily on its way.

"Hail Mary full of Grace" began to zip through my mind and I'm not even Catholic. As I get to the area on the right before the curve in the road I pull off into the dirt outside that big intemidating fence. Well the gate is open but I ain't even going in there.

I pick up my cell phone to call our own beloved Mikey (yes ladies I do have his cell phone number along with Noahs and will provide both on request but there will be a charge).

By the time Mikey answered I was so disdraught I don't really recall the conversation. When I am very very nervious I always have to make jokes laughter always helps alieveate stress. So when Mikey innocently asks where I am I pop off with "In a dirt lot outside a fence with barbed wire on top and there is a guard tower and well their pointing Machine guns at me Michael help!!!!!" At this point I think I might have scared 20 years off of poor Mikeys life "OH GOD could she have gone too far and is out in restricted space??? GOD if she gets shot the gang will never forgive me." That is what Michael confessed to me was the thought that ran through his mind when I muttered those words. AH it warmed the cockels of my heart to be so loved (snickers). At this point I had a brief moment of utter insanity and almost told him about the tanks but I was soooo embarrassed I just couldn't do it (thank goodness sanity returned just in time).

Well Michael says are you serious?? (about the men with machine guns) no I said with a shaky laugh as I once again had visions of tanks zipping across the road in front of me. OK he told me turn around and come back the way you came and you will see a big dirt lot...

(but Michael I'm in a big dirt lot now I think to myself)

"OK look for a guy in uniform he is wearing a black cap"

"What color cap?" as I scan the area everyone has a black cap on their head I think to myself

"And I am wearing (forgive me ladies I totally forgot I think it was a red sweater or sweatshirt and jeans) at this point my nerviousness has kicked up into overdrive soon I will see Mikey and Noah OH GOD this was such a stupid idea.

"OK OK (Mikey says) there is a large blue fork lift parked in this dirt lot." There not three feet from me is a large blue something mechanical

"You mean this large blue thingy here in front of me?"

As I inch my car forward there in the distance I see a man in uniform with a (is that a black beret??? damn my eyes) and that tall one next to him is that? could it be????


"Is that you?" he says into the phone "I don't know is that you?" I ask back

"yep thats you"

This was it the moment I had been waiting for and dreading had arrived Mikey and Noah were there. As I let the car slowly creep forward. I stop and open the door and I am embarrassed to say it ladies but "I squealed like a school girl"


"Hi Darlin"

Yes ladies our own Mikey has the Hi Darlin down pat. Oh Oh Oh be still my heart.

So I give Mikey a great big hug and murmmer Mikey Mikey Mikey grammy Vicki is soooo glad to see her wittle Mikey.

Then I turn to Noah and give him a big hug as well and once again squealing like a school girl exclaim that Grammy Vicki has another Grandson.

More to come but I have to send this so ya'll won't kill me.

Recruits for my Army of the Dark

A Loyal Subject (online friend) reported to me that likely candidates for my army could be lured to the darkside by supplying them with some of the sacred cookies along with some homemade Vegitable beef barley soup and hot french bread apple cobbler and pineapple upside down cake.

So after cooking all night off I went in my never ending search for new recruits to the darkside.

(Translation - I had the chance to meet an online friend at Ft Irwin California he and his troop were there for training, I told them I would bring dinner for them and my famous cookies - the following is my misadventures at Ft Irwin California) .

So I get to the Gate at Ft Irwin I have to park get out go inside a building talk to two older women give them my drivers license proof of insurance, vehicle registration reason for going on base where that person is located what their rank is, what is their contact number, are you related and your first born child. Now I was holding my own until we got to the last (WELL HELL I DON"T HAVE ONE) Think of something anything to quickly distract them all with humor I say "I just know I am going to get lost out there and end up arrested or shot" OH NO they assured me you won't get lost (HA) you don't know me very well do you? believe me I am the quincentennial problem child if it can possibly happen it will happen to me in spades. So I get my little pass for my windshield and off I go to the gate. Smiling with satisfaction that I was successful in not having to produce a non existant first born when I realize "They never said anything about not getting arrest or (gulp) shot!!!. Suddenly I don't feel so good.

While waiting in line I see the Military Policeman who will (dare I say it?) service ... ah I mean search my car is frowning terribly. Oh joy I have a challenge how to get a smile from a grumpy MP. No sweat for me (even if I am sweating at the knowledge that I am going to get lost) (make that breaking out in a cold sweat) I pop off with "AH you look like you are having a bad day, WHO DID IT WHERE ARE THEY ? as I scan the surrounding area WANT ME TO KICK THEIR ASS?"
After a startle second of shocked disbelief that cross his face he started to laugh (I think he still might be laughing as I speak) Grinning with satisfaction as I start to pull away I realize something... WELL HELL he didn't search me. As I continue up to the main guard shack I see another MP inside my spirits sore "AH another chance fresh meat with a billy club OOOOH the posiblities abound" I pull up and to my shock and dismay he waves me on "but but but (I stammer) aren't you going to search me???" "No was his bored reply. I'll give you a cookie I said with hope shinning in my eyes. Well I got the smile and then the laugh but no body cavity search. A dark cloud of foreboding passed over my head. Was this a foretelling of things to come???? Suddenly the grey clouds in the sky that I had barely noticed before and the bleakness of the landscape settled over my heart as a chill raced down my spin. WELL HELL I muttered to myself.

Following the directions given to me by the lady at the information center. I slowly crept along the road wondering when I would catch my first glimps of Ruba or Tent City as it is loving refered to by our brave fighting men and women. As I kept close watch on my speedometer I realize that traffic is piling up behind me. "WELL HELL" I mutter "I can't go any faster I am sure to get lost then" as I suddenly slam on my breaks to avoid the stop sign I almost ran through I was too busy looking for signs for Ruba, my speed, the cars behind me and a place to pull over and just start crying. I almost miss a stop sign. But wait "AHA" 5th street that nice lady that gave me directions said something about 5th street now if I could only remember what it was. Do I turn??? where is that map she gave me
I start throwing things off the front seat in a desperate attempt to find the map "AHA" there it is on the passenger side floor. As I once again slam on the breaks to avoid yet another stop sign. (SIGH) maybe I should just turn around and go home now that cold sweat has become a hot flush as the horns blare behind me never have I ever had a horn blare at me. I am really on the verge of tears now. But wait a minute does that sign say????

YES!!!!!! RUBA!!!!!
AT LAST!!!!!

All the cars behind me turn left as I creep forward ever forward looking now for tents lots and lots of tents well there are some but they have a big fence around them and is that barbedwire at the top AH I don't think I should go in there. "no no no Vicki on the right side the right side" I remember that nice lady from the information center said the right side. Distant memories drift through my overburdened mind remembering their warm smiles and their happy wishes of a good day was it only a few minutes ago? it seems like years. On the right side more of the same some tents but a very intemidating barbed wire fence around them. "Wait what did that sign say? Surely it did not say what I thought it did?
Surely it could not have said":

HOLY S--T!!!!

As I once more slam on my breaks. "Breathe Vicki Just breathe everything is ok no one was hurt just beathe hon just keep breathing you are ok. Please please please let me find them soon. I wanna go home" I being to wail. as the road beings to curve to the left I realize the area that nice lady circled for me was before the curve in the road "I have to turn around I have to turn around but where???? AH there I can pull in there that nice big parkinglot infront of a bulding that looks sort of like a fire department would. Just as I being my turn from inside that building that looks suspiciously like a fire station lights and sirens blaring comes the biggest fire truck I have ever seen!!!!!.

to be continued...


Greetings, my loyal and faithful subjects. I am Evil your Mistress of the Darkside. I tempt all to come to the Darkside to frolic and play. I tempt with laughter I tempt with lust and of course we mustn't forget I tempt with the sacred cookies of the Dark.

Beware my loyal and faithful #1 evil minon she is the protector and hoarder of the sacred cookies.

Join me in my travels as I search high and low seeking out new subjects for my realm.

Prepare yourselves to be entertained, amused, and titulated with my adventures and misadventures in my never ending quest for recuits to the darkside...